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~uberwench:iconuberwench:

Über Alles  

  • Status: Member
  • Pornographic Connoisseur
  • Female/United States
  • Offline for 4d 22h 50m 43s
  • Deviant since Dec 26, 2007, 12:26 PM
  • 41 Deviations
  • 1 Scrap [browse]
  • 197 Deviation Comments
  • 29 Deviant Comments
  • 4 Forum Posts
  • 933 Pageviews

Oh, I could weep the spirit from mine eyes.

Journal Entry: Thu Mar 20, 2008, 7:10 PM
Aw, fuck.

This is a bulletin to let you all know that I have just broken up with the man who I was stupid enough to let become the center of my world. As a consequence, I am completely insane now. Challenges are on hold until further notice.

Shit shit shit.

I really thought I was in love. I thought that this was a man I might someday call my master.
(Ha!) Just today I noticed that his number in my phone book is 42. The meaning of life, the universe and everything. I noticed this as I was dialing to dump him.

He cried. I cried more. He tried to talk me out of it, but I am just done listening to his sweet talk, his reasonable explanations, his cool-headed, seemingly logical excuses.

Oh, that man. He is so fucking charming. He can make me forgive him for anything. Can make me take it and beg for more. Well, no, that was the part I liked. But I have come to realize he's about 77 percent bullshit and I want no more of that.

I need a good man, now. One who will take care of me and not disregard my body, my safety, my future. One who will keep me safe. Who I can trust.

Shit.

I just dumped James and I don't even know for sure if it was right or wrong. Even after all that. That's what it's always like, saying good bye to a lover, though. You have all your reasons that you tell yourself. You know it's right. But still on the tip of your tongue is that hysterical scream--
No, come back, I love you!....

Right or wrong, though, I am free. It feels damn good. I think I needed that. I may miss him in the coming weeks, but maybe I've done enough missing him. I was an addict. I craved him when he was gone, soared on the most amazing high every moment I was with him, and went into withdrawal the moment he left. Idiot, shivering, helpless withdrawal. I was a junkie. I would do anything for my fix.

You know the man I am talking about. You have read about him, in two of his incarnations-- James as I knew him on the Playa, as I wrote about the man himself-- or who I thought he was-- in "Birthday Girl." You also have read about the painful imprint he's made on my psyche. For who is Magnus, really? His real name, the name by which we are not supposed to address him, is James. I did not pick that name for him, that name which rings with such eerie accuracy. Zheyna did. This is who he is, truly-- just a man who likes to get what he wants, and knows all to well how to do so.

All my worship, doubt and fear went into these stories. It fed my artistry. Now I am disillusioned. And of course disillusionment kills poetry. Or else I will have nothing to write in the coming months but pain and hate.

I'll see him on the Playa again. Shit, that will be awkward. But by then I will have grown. And I will be able to look him in the eye without trembling-- something I have never, ever done.

I want to end this entry with the perfect words. But I have none. Just this: we have parted ways. Incredibly life goes on. I will never be the same. I doubt he'll change.

Good bye, sir.

  • Mood: Hurt
  • Listening to: "You Never Knew Me" by Magazine
  • Reading: "The Picture Of Dorian Gray"
  • Eating: Cookies

Devious Information

  • Current Age: 18
  • Current Residence: Bay Area, California
  • Interests: Sex, violence, art, philosophy, music
  • Favourite movie: Blade Runner, Clockwork Orange, Blue Velvet, Cabaret, The Night Porter
  • Favourite band or musician: Magazine, Bjork, Absurd Minds, And One, VNV Nation, Angelspit, Dresden Dolls, Radiohead, PJ Harvey
  • Favourite genre of music: Post punk, industrial, glam rock, electronica
  • Favourite artist: Polykleitos
  • Favourite poet or writer: Catullus, Lucretius, Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Rilke, Masoch, Wilde, Chandler, Gibson
  • Favourite photographer: Leni Riefenstahl (she was a genius, admit it)
  • Personal Quote: The height of my ambition is to have a perversion named after me.
  • Tools of the Trade: Perversity, imagination, moral angst, love of beauty, thrill of power

deviantART Notice

Devious Comments

*boydphotography:iconboydphotography: May 6, 2008, 6:35:15 AM
Thanks for the fav! :)

--
LightCraft PhotoWorks [link]
~la-brebis:iconla-brebis: Apr 29, 2008, 8:40:57 AM
Merci pour le fav'
*Laysa:iconLaysa: Apr 28, 2008, 12:51:12 PM
thanks for the fav!:-)
~recipeforhaight:iconrecipeforhaight: Apr 24, 2008, 12:29:40 PM
thank you so much for the :+fav:!! :)

--
-----art makes life worth living-----
*Wandeclayt:iconWandeclayt: Apr 21, 2008, 10:20:27 AM
thanks fro the :+fav:s and :+devwatch:!

great musical taste, btw!

--
:Wandeclayt:

"Dare to fight. Dare to win."

A Proud Member of:
~ElectronicBodyMusic ~Industrial-Heaven ~claustrophobic ~FishnetFetish =Death-Chicks
~DanniDoll:iconDanniDoll: Apr 21, 2008, 4:18:54 AM
hi there!

thank you so much for the add!

:flirty:

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xoxo,
Danni Doll
~caperuccita:iconcaperuccita: Apr 20, 2008, 4:46:54 AM
thanx :heart:

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visit my web :blackrose: [link]
Miembro de : *devspanish-deviants
~jarkeysun:iconjarkeysun: Apr 19, 2008, 7:55:37 PM
hey thanks very much 4 the fav

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hugs not drugs
=Rauschen:iconRauschen: Apr 18, 2008, 1:53:17 PM
Merci! I really Appreciate your support

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Be a Hero - Don't be a Chicken Rauschen-Photography
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Flickr
*phoenix1313:iconphoenix1313: Apr 18, 2008, 6:45:14 AM
Thank you for the favs.

phoenix1313

--
Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.
Leonardo da Vinci
~Muerte-sagrada:iconMuerte-sagrada: Apr 17, 2008, 5:27:17 PM
thanks for the fave!

--
Anything is a weapon if you're holding it right.
~stealyoursoul:iconstealyoursoul: Apr 15, 2008, 3:19:06 AM
Many thanks for the favs! :-)

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-Marty Provost
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*wrightphoto:iconwrightphoto: Apr 14, 2008, 2:49:34 AM
thanks for the fave
*Wandeclayt:iconWandeclayt: Apr 11, 2008, 3:13:11 PM
thanks a lot for the :+fav:s, dear!

--
:Wandeclayt:

"Dare to fight. Dare to win."

A Proud Member of:
~ElectronicBodyMusic ~Industrial-Heaven ~claustrophobic ~FishnetFetish =Death-Chicks
~uberwench:iconuberwench: Mar 9, 2008, 6:51:44 PM
Thanks angel. More is coming.

--
I have a quality unquantifiable by its very nature: perversity.
~lotrdeana17:iconlotrdeana17: Mar 9, 2008, 1:11:59 AM
Your writing has captivated me. I lookforward to more.

--
"Come on, what are you really doing here. People do not visit me. Being social to me is, like, tempting the Apocalypse or something."
*dougfdoug:icondougfdoug: Feb 25, 2008, 1:58:10 PM
Gamine is such a great word! It does express you wonderfully. I had no idea that you 'made' music either - so there you go - I'm always 'lyric led' I suppose.... thanks again
~thesoulden:iconthesoulden: Feb 23, 2008, 8:37:31 PM
thank you for noticing
*ForbiddenSorrow:iconForbiddenSorrow: Feb 21, 2008, 7:47:26 AM
Thanks for the fav on Pink Sugar ! It's much appreciated! :flirty:

--
I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide till it goes away.
~uberwench:iconuberwench: Feb 20, 2008, 9:53:35 PM
It's a pleasure. You are a highly stalkable beauty and talented artist. :D

--
I have a quality unquantifiable by its very nature: perversity.
*chinad0ll:iconchinad0ll: Feb 20, 2008, 7:31:44 PM
Thanks for watching! :)

--
China Doll ♥